growth

i used to measure my estimation of my body based the number on the scale. it was all numbers, decimal points, calories, addition and subtraction, negation and calculation and fixation. control, discipline, fear; it felt like power at the time.

i got a little better; i graduated to inches and measurements. mom sent me a tape measure my sophomore year that i used exclusively to wrap around my thighs, my arms, my stomach. i thought i was finally ‘healthy’ because i went by how my body actually looked and not some arbitrary number that could easily fluctuate.

this semester, i’ve invested a lot more time into dancing, lifting, running, and yoga. i don’t know why; i just have. and i think i’m finally at a point where i can consider myself healthy, because now i’m proud of my body for what it can do, not what it looks like. i love how powerful i feel when i’m able to lift 5 or 10 more pounds or how graceful and flexible i feel when i’m able to lift my leg above my head or tendu in perfect form. i used to crave a body that looked delicate, but now i want a body that can carry me on a run across the city, that can express everything i feel when i listen to frank ocean, that can ease into child’s pose after a long day and help me calm my nerves.

of course this didn’t happen overnight; it’s been a long time coming. i just can’t believe it took this long to blossom. i love being a little surprised each day at what my body’s capable of. i know that this, too, can quickly turn unhealthy if i’m not careful, but this is the best i’ve felt in a long time.